Honesty

I’ve been quiet lately. Words have come slower and harder.

But I have been waiting and listening. And something that continues to strike me is the concept of honesty, especially in regards to my God.

I am feeling a lot of feelings in this roller coaster of life. There are good days and there are bad days. And I must continue to preach to my soul and force my feet back towards God. But in this fight I don’t want to be blind and ignore honesty with God. I can’t just cover up these feelings with truth…I need to be honest about my feelings and then point them back to God. I heard a message the other day from Lecrae:

“I learned that God is not afraid of us being honest about our pain or our anger…He’s not afraid of that. He’s like bring it, come on bring it. At least you are talking to me. It’s when you stop talking to me that it becomes a problem.”

This concept is one that is sometimes scary for people in the church. I know it has been for me. But recently I have learned that it is scarier to try and hold back honesty from God. He is big enough for my feelings. He already knows how I feel. Why do I try to hide honesty from my Creator?

“And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” Hebrews 4:13

God knows my heart. He knows my frustration and confusion. He knows when I question Him. He knows me…He freaking made me. He knows. Why do I try and hide my feelings or make them look pretty when He already knows how ugly they really are? Isn’t this what happened in the Garden of Eden…Adam and Eve tried to hide from God. It didn’t really work out for them, and it doesn’t for me either. I need to bring my honest feelings before Him and address them with Him. Part of full surrender is honesty with Him. I need to recognize His sovereignty through my feelings of uncertainty. And I can only do this in honesty.

God, forgive me for trying to hide from you. Forgive me for denying honesty with you, my Creator. Father, you know my heart better than I do. You have woven me together and know every inch of my soul. You know the pains that I have experienced and you know how you have brought me through. You were in control through every season, every day, every moment. Forgive me for forgetting who you are and how you know me. Forgive me for hiding in shame. God…I am struggling in life. I am so frustrated. God, honestly, I am frustrated with you. This time is so confusing and I am tired of waiting. God, you know how sinful my heart is, and you know the fear and frustration that I am fighting right now. God, I am scared, tired, confused, angry, sad…I am full of emotion. And you know all of it. And you can take it. And Father, I know you are there and you are working in all of this. I know that you have not abandoned me. God help point my feelings to truth in who you are. Help me wait patiently. Help me feel peace in your presence. And help me live unashamedly honest about the work you are doing in my life. Help me be honest with you. And help me be honest with others. Because in it all, you are good and you are at work. God, help me live by that truth.

God, please let Your will be done.

Cease Striving

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

God calls us to do many things. He calls us to fight hard battles. He calls us to follow His commands. But the way the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me is in one word: wait. Passages keep standing out to me that never have before. Lyrics of songs make sense in ways they never did before. And right now, I know God wants one thing from me…that I wait on Him.

“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I am a fixer. If something is broken, I want to find a way to fix it. If someone is hurting, I want to help. In many ways, this leads me to try and control the situations around me. I have actually hurt people by trying to help. This position of life that I find myself has broken me so far beyond anything that I can fix. God has revealed to me how helpless I am. He took the things I thought I could fix and pushed them far beyond my reach.

As I have sat here wrestling, crying, and so helpless, He has been showing me the whole point: I can’t fix this. I have zero control. And I live in a broken world where broken things are gonna happen no matter what I do. And in all that, He is the point of this whole broken mess. He is the perfection we long for.

And for all the wrestling and heartbreak, while I have to fight to trust in Him and have faith that He is working in this situation, He is asking me to wait. To cease striving. To be still.

He is so good. He is so sovereign. He just is. He’s trustworthy. He’s faithful. He’s fighting this battle. So I need to trust in Him, and I need to wait. Wait for His direction. Wait for His faithfulness. Wait for His will. Wait.

God, Almighty Father. I am so humbled by you. I do not understand your ways. I can’t even pretend to know what you are doing. You are wholly and completely in control of everything that seems out of control. You are working in ways that are invisible to me. But you are there. Forgive me for the ways that I don’t trust you. Help me to focus on what I know to be true. And God, help me wait. As I struggle with anxiety and unknowns, Lord you know. Help me wait on you. Help me learn where you want me to learn. And help me wait on your will, direction, and faithfulness. Thank you for who you are. Thank you that you have it all figured out. Help me to trust and wait.

Your will be done, oh Father.

Follow in His Footsteps

One part of this that has been grueling to work through has been the millions of comments, opinions, and thoughts about my life from other people. I know that everyone wants to help and say things that will help. But right now, thousands of opinions running by me make it so hard to find and believe in truth.

Seeking God’s voice in this is so hard.

Is it my own perception/desires controlling my mind? Is it what this person said? Or that person’s thoughts? Is this the devil attempting to sink my ship? Or is this God given truth?

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his footsteps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” 1 Peter 2:21-25

I have been sitting on this passage a lot these last few weeks. It has met me where I am in so many ways. It is a comfort, a calling, and a command.

I think the most impactful thing about this piece is that Christ suffered for me. He took on all of my sins (along with the rest of history’s sins) and nailed them to the tree as He hung, bleeding out. He was mocked. He was beaten. King of the universe was humiliated beyond imagination. He suffered. And He did it for me.

I can sit here and wallow in my pain. But let me take a minute away from myself and recognize that my Creator came to earth, which is something I would never do if I had the choice. Becoming human, He felt all of the feels. Like He really felt them. He felt the pain, the frustration, the doubt…He didn’t want to suffer. He struggled. But He did it flawlessly, committing no sin. He did feel it though. May I never forget that He came to understand my pain better, and took it to the grave.

And here I see something more…He did it so I could follow His example. I’m supposed to struggle. This isn’t supposed to be easy. But, He came so I knew how to follow. He wants me to follow in His footsteps of suffering.

“He committed no sin,” This is something I cannot say. I sin. A lot. And in this suffering, I continually sin a lot. But I can see that He committed no sin, and since I am striving to be more like Him, I must strive to not sin. I will fall short. But that’s where His grace will kick in.

“neither was deceit found in his mouth.” Deceit is the practice of misrepresenting truth. Jesus did not misrepresent truth in any way. May my response to this suffering not be to fill my mouth with deceit.

“When he was reviled, he did not revile in return;” To “revile” is to pile up abusive language against someone, using vicious words and threats. Jesus was abused in every way I can think of. People mocked Him, jeered at Him, threatened Him. There was no kindness, no love in the way people treated Him, as He carried that cross on His back. But despite it all…despite the fact that none of it was remotely true…He did not dish it back out. He took it. He turned the cheek. I have a lot of people telling me to be angry and hurt right now…a lot of people saying that I would be right to angrily slam the door on this chapter of my life. But God asks me to follow His example, and His example is to turn the other cheek, and not revile in return.

“when he suffered, he did not threaten,” He suffered big, and had all the power in the world to rain down destruction on those opposing Him. But did He? Nope. He didn’t even threaten to. He remained quiet and obedient through it all. He asks me to follow Him in that. I have no power, of course. But I am to remain quiet and obedient in this suffering, as He also did. No threats, no holding anyone up to anything. Silence in truth.

“but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Finally, He entrusted His life in the hands of the Father. “Christ ‘handed over’ himself to God, suffering in surprising silence, because of his perfect confidence in the sovereignty and righteousness of his Father” (John MacArthur). He didn’t want to do it. In Mark 14, He is broken up about it. He really didn’t want it. But He accepts and trusts: “Yet not what I will, but what You will.” He gave Himself fully up to the Father’s will, hard as it was to do. He knew what was coming. He didn’t want it. But He trusted. Oh that I would follow in my Savior’s footsteps.

Father, this is so terribly hard. These voices whir by me, swirl inside my head. My own doubts, fears, and anxieties are enough to drive me insane. And then the world around me adds to the chaos. But God, I know you have felt this. I know you have been through this. I know you know. God, thank you for your example to me. Thank you for coming and doing this flawlessly so I could attempt to follow in your footsteps. I pray that you would give me the strength to follow in your ways. Show me how to walk through this like you. Grow me in your ways. And God, help me trust you. Help me entrust my life to you. I know you are sovereign in this. Help me trust that you are at work.

Yet not what I will, but what You will.

Return

Today I had an anxiety attack. In a moment of doubt, I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as my body shook while I sat in the dark bathroom alone.

Trusting God is taking a lot of work. Sometimes it comes easier…the peace of God overwhelms me and I am able to look to His plans. And then other times it seems like the world is crushing me. Sometimes it feels so out of control and I grasp and grasp for control. I am learning. But it has not been easy.

“Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord! Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven…” Lamentations 3:40-41

While I struggle to persevere through this pain, I am told to test and examine my ways. I need to look deep within myself and see where my motives are, where my heart is. Clearly, I am wrestling with sin, as anxiety is not of God. As I search my heart, I must find my ways and why I am the way that I am.

But beyond that, I am to return to my Lord. In the pain, the doubt, the struggle, my sin…He is there waiting with His arms wide open to His child. He wants me to notice how dependent I am on Him. He wants me to chase Him with my whole heart, and nothing less. I must return to my Father. And as I do this, I must praise Him. I need to lift my heart up and worship my God. Not because it’s what good Christians do. Not because it’s the “rules” of the faith. No, it’s because I need to. I need to. Because He calls me to Him, and I need to respond with praise. He has given me everything…everything in this universe is His. He gives me breath. He gives me life. He died so that I can be known and forgiven by Him. I must run to Him and praise His name.

That is the very reason that I am here. That is the answer to life.

Father, oh remove my sinful ways. Forgive me of the ways that I doubt and run. How incredible you are, Lord. Thank you for everything you give me. Thank you for the skies with the stars, planets, and beyond. Thank you for the earth and your mountains and oceans. Thank you for creating me, though I often don’t understand it and really don’t like it. I know you have a plan that is beyond me, and that is a beautiful thing. Thank you for giving me true life in you. Help me to live by that. Help me to run to you and praise your name. Even in the storms. Especially in the storms. You are God, and you are good.

May Your will be done.

Who has spoken?

Today, God has granted me some peace in His presence. It wasn’t like that all day…and it definitely took some pep talking myself. But I am thankful.

This morning I woke up panicky, anxious, out of control. Again. My heart was racing, my thoughts gone wild thinking about what ifs and fear of what is going on. My heart is concerned for him, and though I am glad to still care, it can cause anxiety if I don’t recognize that I need to let go and give him up to the Lord too.

You see, even in caring for the person I love, I am gripping what I want so tightly. I want him to be okay. I want him to walk closely with the Lord. But I am not his Creator and Savior. And God has him in His hand just as much as He has me. I must let him go to God. I can still pray for him, but then I need to trust that God is doing what is best.

“Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?” Lamentations 3:37-38

The Lord is sovereign and absolutely over all. I keep saying the word sovereign about God…what is that word implying? “God rules the entire universe. His perfect plans and purposes are always accomplished and can never be thwarted by anyone or anything, including evil. His supreme rule is always consistent with the totality of His diving character” (Julie Gossack).

God rules, and His plans shall always stand. Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it?

Jerry Bridges comments on this passage saying, “God is in control of every circumstance and every event of our lives, and he uses them, often in some mysterious way, to change us more into the likeness of Christ” (Respectable Sins, Location 629).

He is over all. He is using it all. I can trust Him because He is sovereignly in control of every heartbeat and breath and everything in between. Whatever He has in plan is what shall come to pass. And I can rest in His ways knowing that this is true of who He is. No matter what, God shall prevail and His plans shall not be thwarted. He is active, and I must let go to Him. I must trust that He knows best far beyond what I could ever know.

Father, thank you for your peace. Thank you for drawing me close to you in this time. Thank you for growing me and showing me more of who you are. Lord, please continue to bring me close to you. Continue to grow me into who you want me to be. Help me to trust in you and to let go of my desires to take on yours. Grant me your peace as I rest in your will. Help me to relinquish my desires to you. Help me understand that you are in control and at work in this. You have commanded this…help me to trust in you through it.

Thy will be done.

From His Heart

I continue to wrestle through disappointment. What I want is not. My hopes and dreams have been crushed and rubbed in my face. The promises that I believed are now limp words hanging in the air. I struggle with letting go. I don’t want this to be the end…I want more chapters to this story. I want a happy ending. But I have to let go. I have to let this die.

It feels very much like dealing with a death. The certainty that I had was so sure. Now that it’s gone it feels like something has died. And as I work through my shattered heart and learn to let it go and let it die, it feels like I’m killing some part of myself. I had clung to this hope so very hard. And now that it is gone, the grief is overwhelming.

“For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.” Lamentations 3:31-33

This suffering is not final. The Lord will not cast off forever. This seems so big and overwhelming right now. But it is not definite. The Lord will not cast off forever.

God’s heart does not delight in my pain. He may cause or allow grief in my heart, but He does not delight in that pain. Affliction and grief are not from His heart. Rather, compassion and steadfast love come from God’s heart. His heart is full of compassion from the abundance of His steadfast love.

I must bow to His sovereignty and trust that His compassion and steadfast love will produce good through the pain He is putting me through. I know that He works within pain and suffering. I can see here that He delights not in my grief, but the good that comes from it. He knows all. I do not. In His sovereignty, He knows that what I am going through will bring some good. And I can trust this because I know His heart is full of compassion and steadfast love. I must bow down and trust what He has laid out for my life.

Oh Father, thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your steadfast love. Thank you for your heart that is good beyond my comprehension. Lord, you know all. You know why this is happening. You know how it will grow me and I pray bring you glory. You know how it will end. You know everything. Lord, I ask that you would help me to bow down to your sovereignty and trust in you. Help me to recognize that you are using this more than I can know. Help me to trust in your character, as I know you do not delight in my pain, but you do delight in the good that will come from it. Help me trust you. Help me wait on you.

Your will be done.

Wait for Him

This is an absolute roller coaster. And not one of the fun ones…more like the one that you beg to be over because your throat is dry from screaming and your stomach is twisted up in knots.

This has been an emotional whiplash. It’s back and forth between despair and hurt to trusting the Lord’s plan and holding onto Him. I can be fine for one minute and then have a breakdown the next. I’m torn between what I want, what I know is right, what I know is wrong, and trusting that God has this all divinely planned out and is not out of control. I’m a fixer…I want to fix this. I want to find a solution and make this work out. I want to be in control of this situation. But I’m not, and sure as heck won’t be.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust–there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.” Lamentations 3:25-30

He asks very little of me, but He does ask that I wait for Him. He doesn’t ask me to have it all figured out. He doesn’t ask me to be okay in this. He doesn’t ask me to fix it. He asks me to wait for Him. He asks me to seek Him.

While I freak out and wake up filled with anxiety. While I fight God for the control. While I fear what is to come. Through it all, He tells me simply to seek Him and to wait for Him. He says that it is good to wait quietly.

A yoke was a farming tool, a heavy iron plow that would be worn on animals neck and shoulders. It was a massive burden and responsibility. God tells me that it is good to bear the yoke…it is good to feel this burden and grow from it. This shows me my full need and dependence on God in my weakness.

In my panic and chaos, He says to sit alone in silence and to put my mouth in the dust. This sounds harsh, but truly, He knows. As I flail around seeking control and controlled by fear and anxiety, He says “Sit down child, keep your mouth shut, and watch as I amaze you.” Putting my mouth in the dust is an act of submission. I must put my hope in Him and keep my mouth in the dust.

In this situation, there is a lot of hurt as well. I would be lying if I said that my trust wasn’t hurting. I have given up so much of myself to the promises of one person. And in this moment, that has all been thrown away. I have been misunderstood and insulted for my flaws and insecurities. In many ways, it does feel like a slap to my face. But here, God reminds me to give my cheek to the one who strikes me, much like Jesus did. He allows me to be filled with insults. Though I feel mistreated, my Savior was the most mistreated One to ever live. He lived perfectly, but was convicted and tortured for being who He is. Creator was torn apart by His own creation. He was insulted, beaten, and killed. But the whole time He turned His cheek. He allowed the suffering. Because beyond the suffering there is hope. He asks me to follow in His footsteps here and to learn from His example. Look beyond and have hope.

“Wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Father, help me to wait for you. I know you are sovereign and in control. You have a plan far better than mine…one that you have prepared long before I was even alive. God, help me to hold onto you and sit quietly as I wait for you. Calm my anxiety and help me wait. Help me to bear this burden well…don’t let it crush me, but sustain me, Lord. Help me to submit to you and keep my mouth in the dust. Help me to release control to you so that you can open my eyes. Give me hope in your salvation, Father. Help me think beyond this middle ground. Help me to follow your example and turn the other cheek. Help me hold onto your truth through the pain.

Your will be done.

My Portion

Today has not been an easy one. Not that any of them have been easy. But today was especially excruciating. The millions of thoughts that I can’t seem to stop bombard me.

Today has been lonely, as I miss my person. Today has been heartbreaking, as I feel the hurt of actions being done. Today has been a day of doubt…I don’t want to doubt, but it is hard to keep my head above water for this long.

I could say things a million times over and still feel the need to say them. I don’t understand this. I don’t like this. I don’t understand what is happening or why. I just don’t understand any of this.

As I opened my Bible this morning, I flipped to Lamentations, which seemed fitting. A book about loss, destruction, crying for God’s help…an ultimate book on suffering. (I will always say this, but find caution in reading these passages as they are not directed directly to us. However, good principles and God’s character can still be seen and applied.)

“O Lord, behold my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed!”

“For these things I weep; my eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me, one to revive my spirit…”

“Look, O Lord, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me…”

“My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, ‘My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'”

Oh how I feel these verses in my soul. This feels like it was written in my tears. I feel this. But then in chapter three, Jeremiah begins to speak truth amidst his cries of pain.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'” Lamentations 3:21-25

In the same way, I must turn around my despairing thoughts and recognize that God is faithful. I must purposely choose to see hope in my God. His love is wild and active and never dissipates. While pain is running wild around me, He still gives mercies every day. Even breathing (though it is so hard right now) is a miraculous mercy, given only by Him. Salvation is an incredible and unbelievable mercy, and that I have been promised.

I was confused by the part that says “The Lord is my portion” so I did some digging. Turns out, interpreting it can look like this: when I don’t think I have enough, or don’t think I am enough, or I have simply had enough, God is my source of enough. Regardless of how I think or feel, He has given me life and hope and will fill me when I feel low. I will hope in Him because He is all I can hope in. He is my enough to cover everything that falls short.

Oh Father, I have hope in you. This seems so hopeless and terrifying. I feel out of control. But God, that leaves so much room for you to move in your beautiful ways. God, as all of these cries of pain escape my lips and reside in my heart, I ask that you would provide the healing and peace I need to rest in you. As I fear the enemy has triumphed, remind my heart that you have already won, and God please continue to fight for your children. Bring me joy and happiness that is only in you. Lord, help me call to mind these truths as I fight the despair. Help me to fight my thoughts and speak your love into my soul. Thank you for your unending love and mercies, which I don’t deserve. You have blessed me beyond what I should have, and still love me overwhelmingly. Thank you for being enough as I am not. Thank you for filling me up when I am empty. Father, help me to hope in you and you alone. Fill my heart with hope in your promises and your love. Help me live in a way, even as I grieve, that is full of hope and peace in you. Focus my heart on you. God, bring peace to my chaotic soul.

Your will be done, O my Lord.

That which is, already has been…

These have been some of the hardest days of my life. And I have been through some stuff, so that’s saying something. The uncertainty, the questions, the hope, the doubt…everything seems so, well, out of control. I have millions of questions flashing through my mind. The what ifs and the what could’ve beens. Being hard on myself, but then coming to the throne of grace and recognizing my identity as daughter of the Most High. The desires and the crushed dreams. The hope of my future, but along with that, the fear of the future.

In case it was hard to tell, my emotions are everywhere. But underneath the current of the crashing waves is a peace. A peace that I know can only be from above.

“I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, not anything taken from it. God has done it so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.” Ecclesiastes 3:14-15

I am terrified of how I will mess up, or how he will mess up. I’m so scared of falling out of God’s will (which definitely isn’t a thing except in my head apparently). I’m terrified of what God’s will is and how He will use this situation.

But here, I can know, that God is fully, completely, 100%, absolutely in charge. What He has said shall stand. What He has dictated is written in the book, never to be changed. It’s such an odd concept to wrap my mind around, but I can’t mess it up. Yes, sin can step in to draw us away from His presence. But that which is, already has been.

Why does God do this? Why does He stand fully in charge, yet all this craziness goes on around me? I can’t fully answer that, neither can any man. But here I see that “God has done it so that people fear before him.” When I acknowledge God’s enduring and perfect work, it draws me to give reverence, worship, and brings meaning to my life. When I recognize that I am worthless without my Creator, I am brought to my knees in humility before Him. I have nothing, have done nothing, and will never do anything apart from Him that is of worth. Alone, I am a sinful, dirty, wretched human. God does this so that I recognize that He is in control. He does this so that I worship Him. He does this to bring His lost sheep home.

Dear Father, how great you are. How beautiful that you care enough for my soul to put me through the worst so that you can bring me through to the best. Thank you for humbling me to my knees, begging at your feet. Thank you for not letting me wander without you. Father, help me to see that you are in control. Help me to see that what you have said from the beginning still stands, and no human can change or thwart your plans. Help me to trust that though I want control, you have what is best in store. You have my days numbered and you know how to grow me best. You have proven time and time again that you will never leave me, you are faithful in the darkest of days, and you are fully in charge of everything happening. Help me to trust in you.

Thy will be done.

Fear Not

This pain is unlike one I’ve ever felt. I want him back. The despair is winning today. He was my best friend, the one I would go to for everything. I would tell him my good thoughts and my bad. I would laugh and smile harder with him than ever in my life. I would cry and he would hold me and tell me to pray. I wanted to serve this man for the rest of my life. I was ready to sacrifice so much to be with him. He encouraged me, grew with me, loved me.

I have had a hard time with trust and abandonment issues for a while now. In my first relationship, I was so hopeful. So ready to fully trust and love. But I was broken by that relationship. The first of many disappointments and heartbreaks. Over the next few years of my life I would trust the wrong people and have that trust slammed back in my face. My hope remained, but my trust became crumpled more and more each time.

By the time I made it to this relationship, I came into it pretty beaten and bruised. This time it was different though. When I doubted, he pointed to the Lord as our strength. When I was scared of the future, he had confidence in God’s plan. When I was depressed, he told me to read Scripture and pray. When I looked at him, I saw someone to lead me. Someone to love me on my worst days.

I had it. I had what I had always dreamed of. But when I got it, fear began to sink in. Fear of losing what I had. Fear of being left again. Fear of hurting the person I love. Fear of being hurt by the person who loves me. Fear of being out of control. And as more dynamics stepped into the picture (engagement, family, friends, future) that fear began to take over. Suddenly small issues became big ones because of my fear. My fear of being out of control drove me out of my mind. I was trying to glue things together that I thought had cracks in them, but my glue was like water. In my fear, trusting God became more and more foreign to me. I didn’t think so at the time…I thought I was praying and reading and doing what I could. But I wasn’t trusting God with all of my fears.

Now I sit here and my worst fears have been realized. The abandonment I never truly thought would happen has happened. The pain, the hopelessness, the fear…it’s all here. The promises crushed. The dreams are gone.

But I am still here. And so is my God.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'” Isaiah 41:10-13

This is again, another passage to take in knowing that its intended audience was Israel. But as I have said, God’s character remains true no matter what, so I can find hope in this verse for my life.

As I sit here somewhat crippled by pain…crippled by fear of what has happened and what is to come…I am reminded that God has commanded me to fear not. My God is a God who will not leave. He is not absent and He certainly won’t abandon me. My God gives me strength and helps me through my trials. He provides me the means to get up and get through each day. When I cannot stand, He will uphold me with His right hand. He has me and He’s not letting go.

Those promises I want so badly to find in a man, I already have from the only One who can keep His promises. Men will make promises, and even in the best of intentions, they will break their promises. They are just as out of control as I am. But God, creator of the universe, makes a promise and keeps it. He has promised not to leave me. And now I must trust in Him. He says not to fear, but to trust. And that is where my heart must find.

Oh Lord, forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for struggling to trust you and for grasping for the reins of my life. Forgive me for fearing what man can do to me, as I know you are in control. Forgive me for fearing abandonment, as I already have you and you are enough. God forgive me for the way my fear has hurt so badly those I love. Heal those hurts, Lord. Help the people I’ve hurt with my sin run to you and be healed. God, help me in this place of hurt and brokenness. Help me pick up the pieces of my heart and glue them together with your love. Help me to trust that your way is best, even if it hurts. Help me to leave fear behind and help me embrace hope and peace in you. God, give me a heart that is so full of trust in you.

Thy will be done.

Thy will be done.

Thy will be done.